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O V E R T H I N K I N G (how i really wish)

Recently I am really bothered by our relationship. I dont know when it all started but f*ck that very day. I heard people saying about a time in the relationship where there’s just a great downfall. Terrifying as it sounds I guess we’re going through it right now. Running 11 months, our relationship was full of ups and downs but recently it was mostly downs. A while ago I just came across a blog about “How will you know if your partner is slowly losing interest in you?” (when I find this blog again I will definitely share it with you) then I was startled on her post. How I wish I never opened that post. I wouldn’t have thought about it this much. This past few weeks, maybe going a month actually, I noticed how easily he gets irritated by me. It wasn’t like that before as far as I know. We always have that “cool-down-when-mad” thing but now he just rushes off to go home. Yesterday we talked about this issue and pointed out I lacked more of patience and understanding. Guess I do, but wait, wasn’t there a time also before when.. YEAH never mind. There’s no more use bringing back the past to the present. Other one is our communication. There never was a day we don’t communicate with each other but again recently we just go a day or two or more without communicating.There are times also when I got a chance to text him after a whole day of being busy at school or him at church, in my mind I feel really happy because I long to talk/text him but that happiness lasted for a very short time because he’s off to bed right away. It wasn’t this short before. Our texts would be paragraphs and full of love and excitement before but now its ending up with a word and a smiley. I was also wondering why he hasn’t posted anything about us on the social network. Posting your partner on social media is a sign of “back-off” and “im proud of him/her” but it seems no sign of me. And recently, I don’t know why but I just have this uneasy feeling of him keeping on liking, commenting and other flirty words with other girls, or girls that he has a past with. These past few days as well I noticed something very heartbreaking. There are times when I text him “I Love You” and he wouldn’t respond. If I ask him why he would answer me with “Sorry I didn’t notice.” I dont know why he has turned out this way.

Going back to that blog post I found, almost everything of those signs stated match our recent status. I dont know whats going on but I really wish he isn’t losing interest in me. I wish he’s still willing to go on and fight our relationship. I wish there was no other. I wish he isnt fed up. I myself had gone through a lot with our relationship but I never gave up. See? Im still here. When he does something that hurts me I choose to just keep it to myself than arguing with him. He tells me about how this and that, but actually I have done those but I guess its not that noticeable or I guess he hasn’t notice about it at all but really its better that way. I don’t want him getting fed up with me with all these fights. Im afraid of losing him again. I love him so much. Honestly, I have this feeling of him breaking up with me when we reach our anniversary. HAHA :’( I mean yeah im stupid im useless im a liar for him im still that party girl im still that drunkard girl im a problem he has no trust on me and insert-here-all-the-negative-you-could-think-off. Should I even question myself? Maybe because I just wasn’t made to be loved by others. Yes. I cant really blame if time will come and he would eventually be fed up with me. I admit my mistakes. He was right about everything and on my part I did my best to correct those and follow him. I hope and pray he could still hold on to me and in the end love will prevail. I know someday the girl he wishes me to be will happen I just really really hope he could hold on a little longer. Just a little more.

But in the end, wherever he finds happiness and peace, whether with or without me, I will support him.

Wooh finally let that heavy feeling off my chest ^_^

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